I have a self esteem issue. I always feel insecure and constantly worry about what people may think about me. I hate myself whenever this bad trait comes over and cover my confident to be a “normal” person. When I said normal, it means that I want to be careless about unnecessary thing. But, I just can’t stand myself whenever I got any criticism. I became very sensitive and mad? I don’t know why.
People used to know me as a cheerful, active, and careless woman. Well, I wish I was like that but I am not. In fact, I’m a shy person (but thanks to my adaptable and curious traits which help me a lot). I don’t like being in a society/place/zone where I don’t get any notice (yeah.. now I’m sound like an egocentric human) that’s explain much why I usually find myself going anywhere alone. There’s just something soothing about being alone and no one bother you yet makes you fell like an alien, worst feeling ever. It also become the main reason why I seemed have a lot of friends but just go with the same person on weekend. I can count with my fingers how many person in my life is really important and know me well so they wouldn’t complain much whenever this sensitive side arises. And they’re really important for me.
But, insecure always be an insecure, rite? Eventho, I’ve said that I have only few people that finally understand me, I sometimes feel all alone. Like the best person in your life still left a hole in our heart, right?
Another point, I don’t like get any criticism, especially about my body. They mainly give a comments about my body size and my skintone. Hellooo, dear Gawd, If I could ask God how I want to be created, I wished I’m the one with fair skin and model-ish body. But we all can’t ask to do so. So, I try to change by myself. I do diets, workouts, endless jogging, crunches, sit-up, push-up, and so on. I also keep my skin as fair as I can. I know I can’t have such a Chinese’s fair skin like my mother and father race but keep it a healthy tan or middle tone. I’ve tried. Don’t say I’m not. But I started to feel those beauty marks-up tiring me out and shit. One time, a friend of mine said that I don’t gradually change like any puberty did on my other girl friends and I suddenly felt so mad and shame(?). Like, the hell he really knew my workouts and diets routine. Like, the hell he really knew how hard for me to change to be better.
I have a to-die-for bestfriend since we on same Junior High School. Her name’s Oche. We were just a usual teenagers we used to be. We weren’t famous, in one word: unoticeable. But things going different since we entered High School. Puberty, society, mentality changed us. Me? Still an ordinary person I used to be, on other side Oche really become so famous, prettier, noticeable, and many good things comes her way. And whenever I stand near her, I feel I’m just being her shadow. And I HATE to feel so. But I can’t blame her. Beside she’s my bestfirend, she doesn’t have a thing to be blame.
This self esteem issue really freaks me out. I know, it’s not a healty trait and people keep telling me “be grateful for what you have” I do, guys. I did. So, this is my ugly truth. Not a really impressive post for start a year right? I wish I’m not the only one who feel so.