AN UGLY TRUTH OF BEING ME

I have a self esteem issue. I always feel insecure and constantly worry about what people may think about me. I hate myself whenever this bad trait comes over and cover my confident to be a “normal” person. When I said normal, it means that I want to be careless about unnecessary thing. But, I just can’t stand myself whenever I got any criticism. I became very sensitive and mad? I don’t know why.

People used to know me as a cheerful, active, and careless woman. Well, I wish I was like that but I am not. In fact, I’m a shy person (but thanks to my adaptable and curious traits which help me a lot). I don’t like being in a society/place/zone where I don’t get any notice (yeah.. now I’m sound like an egocentric human) that’s explain much why I usually find myself going anywhere alone. There’s just something soothing about being alone and no one bother you yet makes you fell like an alien, worst feeling ever. It also become the main reason why I seemed have a lot of friends but just go with the same person on weekend. I can count with my fingers how many person in my life is really important and know me well so they wouldn’t complain much whenever this sensitive side arises. And they’re really important for me.

But, insecure always be an insecure, rite? Eventho, I’ve said that I have only few people that finally understand me, I sometimes feel all alone. Like the best person in your life still left a hole in our heart, right?

Another point, I don’t like get any criticism, especially about my body. They mainly give a comments about my body size and my skintone. Hellooo, dear Gawd, If I could ask God how I want to be created, I wished I’m the one with fair skin and model-ish body. But we all can’t ask to do so. So, I try to change by myself. I do diets, workouts, endless jogging, crunches, sit-up, push-up, and so on. I also keep my skin as fair as I can. I know I can’t have such a Chinese’s fair skin like my mother and father race but keep it a healthy tan or middle tone. I’ve tried. Don’t say I’m not. But I started to feel those beauty marks-up tiring me out and shit. One time, a friend of mine said that I don’t gradually change like any puberty did on my other girl friends and I suddenly felt so mad and shame(?). Like, the hell he really knew my workouts and diets routine. Like, the hell he really knew how hard for me to change to be better.

I have a to-die-for bestfriend since we on same Junior High School. Her name’s Oche. We were just a usual teenagers we used to be. We weren’t famous, in one word: unoticeable. But things going different since we entered High School. Puberty, society, mentality changed us. Me? Still an ordinary person I used to be, on other side Oche really become so famous, prettier, noticeable, and many good things comes her way. And whenever I stand near her, I feel I’m just being her shadow. And I HATE to feel so. But I can’t blame her. Beside she’s my bestfirend, she doesn’t have a thing to be blame.

This self esteem issue really freaks me out. I know, it’s not a healty trait and people keep telling me “be grateful for what you have” I do, guys. I did. So, this is my ugly truth. Not a really impressive post for start a year right? I wish I’m not the only one who feel so.

cheers'

nyoron

The End of Path

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2015 FRIENDDDSSS!

Omg, feel so excited to welcome the new page of the year :) So, here comes another blank 365 (now it's only 364) pages to fill out. I felt a bit sorry because lately I'm so busy (yet lazy) to share something in this not-so-private space. Actually I already plan to write this post yesterday but because the weather ways too comfy and my friends were evade my home for new year eve, I got no leisure time #slap.

I'd like to do my habit every end of the year (yes, now it's the begining of year, lel) : KALEIDOSCOPE!

Annnnd the playlist which accompany me tonight is Adhitia Sofyan from his third album - How To Stop Time. A very humble, sweet, and lullaby tracks for rainy day enthusiast. *click play*

Here it goes~

JANUARY

I barely remember how I start the first month of 2014 but I guess I was still hold onto my pain of losing someone I love along this month. I know it's so cliche and people were like "why you always had a bad ending of every relationship?". Welp, I dunno. I just remember on January 25, I was visiting that guy and my darkest assumption was true. It was really hurt and hard for me to let him go though we only being together for about 4 months.

FEBRUARY

I always put my biggest love through this month. This is the month full of loves and prosperity. Chinese New Year means a fresh surplus in my pocket :p. My sweet-seventeen so on birthday they said. I finally turned 17! Yay. Now, I'm a legally adult by government. I've been living for 17 years. My mom cooked a simple home dish for three of us. My birthday was very very humble and simple. Celebrated by just three of us, yet I still thankful having my schoolmates whom still remember my day! :) A simple hapiness I could get effortlessly.

Breda actually remember my birthday and being the last person whom greet me that day meanwhile I already texted him yesterday of his bday.

Something strange and awkward happened this month on my way to get rid of the January stuffs.

MARCH

This month, I struggle for many things. I'm so procastinate and lazy to remeber any bad thing happened among this month ;) It's the deepest and thoughtful month of the year.

The only good thing I can remeber is paid some visit to Kepulauan Seribu for one day trip with Wisnu.

APRIL

I did some short vacation to Curug Pangeran again just to remember shooting vacation of me and my friends doing here last year. I went there with Yoi, some fella in Bogor right after his accomplishment of National Examination.

MAY

JOGJA!! Yeay~ 48 VHS '15 finally had a vacation to Jogja. It's actually my first time went to Jogja. We go there by bus start from Monday 12 May till Thursday 15 May. We took a trip to Prambanan temple, Borobudur temple, Keraton Jogja, and paid a field trip to Sekolah Menengah Seni Rupa, Kasihan Bantul. 

We also took a short vacation to Kebun Raya Bogor the next Sunday for photography task given by our teacher.

JUNE

exams. exams. exams. And yet on June 16 it should be a special date, only if we didn't broke up last year :) well nevermind. I just kind of person whom easily remember things.

and this month, I finally able to made up my mind and heal my wound for my January "mini-tragedy"

I can easily let everything go after finally know what I did is true. Anything he did (his true face) below his surface really woke me up. An usual way of every break-up is to find a great meaning behind every wound and embrace the distance apart. #halah

My veryfirst blood donation.

I still couldn't believe that it took 5 months for me to let him go easily and get rid of him out of my mind.

JULY

Examination for my 2nd grade of high school life. I made it!

And, this month was really special too! because this is the month when I met Irul (capchoi.blogspot.com) last year :)) now he already focused on his French Literature study on Padjajaran University, Jatinangor. I wish any miracle and unicorn posion posses' his path. Amen.

Also, I'm joining a logo competition held by Lenggang Jakarta

I spend my Lebaran holiday to Harapan Island with Kak Echie and his nephew joining Kak Jiwo group.

Also I left kind of asshole this month. It was really frustating being near him.

AUGUST

Just something from the past coming back to my life and ruined my wall :) Was I let him in again and take back anything for granted? No.

He supposed to go away with his new companion.

GOOD NEWS FROM LENGGANG JAKARTA! My logo design are nominated for the best five! Need some revision and the prize is waiting for us. (also a chance to take selfie shoot with DKI Frontman (soon that time) Mr. Ahok!)

at the same time with Lenggang Jakarta e-mail, our group (Indaher, Diah, Vita, Yola, and me) winning the brain mapping and coral reef transplantation design. We won the grand prize which is a field trip to Harapan Island (again!) with luxury facilities, not like my low-budget vacation last month.

I think this is the turn over of every bad things happen. This is my lucky month of 2014.

SEPTEMBER

Sylvan Zikri Rahman and Rachman C. Muchlas birthday! nothing greater than knowing those guy are growing up so fast :)

I hike to Papandayan mt with Bikin Jejak (Mas Abi travel group) and made new friends~

I won the logo design competition by Lenggang Jakarta after a long and exhausted process. I got a great amount of prize and really grateful of it. Another portfolio of my artwork! Yay

Joshi finally born her babies. There are Alex, Brivi, and Frisia.

OCTOBER

My father's bday. I put my best effort to make him happy with the money I got from previous competition. Dad was really happy and grateful by the surprise I put that day. Also I won NASAFEST poster competition with Indaher. Double Trouble! hahaha. Irul's bday too!

I got my very first tattoo on October 4 by JAINK tattoo :) my long-long dream goal!

yearbook photosession. School stuffs. Try out. Tiring deadline, papers, etc etc. Infograohic task.

I went to Gede Pangrango mt. too

NOVEMBER

 Nothing really special this month except Mom's bday and Fahmi's bday.

Infographic animation task. End of Semester Examination. 3D house modelling task. blablabla.

and my Mom was going to prepare her Umrah trip. So busy with this and that.

DECEMBER

The last month of year felt coming so fast. Examination done! We worked really hard to put a high amount of  effort for this last semester of High School. But yeah, unfortunately, my final report wasn;t really extravagant. My average point is raised up but my rank was going down to 11th place. The last classmeeting was really fun too!

My 3D modelling house project is done! But unfortunately I lost  one project for some event held by local High School because of kinda internal things they had.

My Mom finally had her dreams granted. She went to Umrah for like 9 days and along thus day only me and Daddy tagging around the house.

I went to Jogja since December 25 till December 28 to prepare my university stuffs and move to Jogja. Nothing really fancy except I could met my old long gone fellas there :)

Once again, happy new year folks!

Hope you had a great new year ahead. I wish we could reach and accomplish any target we made :D

It doesn't really matter of bad things happened around this year. Just remember the good one because we able to pass thru it! And alhamdulillah, I think I already accomplish 90% of my goals this year.

xoxo,

Nyoron!